A cousin of mine died this week.
Reading the email my mom sent Monday morning was a shock — but not a huge surprise.
She was the daughter of one of my mom’s cousins, a couple years younger than me. I don’t see enough of that side of my family — I haven’t since my grandmother died more than two decades ago. But everyone got together two years ago when my parents hosted a reunion at their house; at that point, she was in pretty good shape.
And it might have been the last time. For years, she struggled with more demons than anyone should have to contend with; it made it tough for the people who were close to her, including her ex-husbands, her partner, her daughters, her brother and the family friends who became surrogate parents after her own folks passed away.
There were years when we were really close, exchanging visits in Athens, where I was in school, and Oxford, when she was a student at Miami. There was erratic behavior even then, but not to the degree I thought it was a problem.
(Note: I didn’t think it was much of a problem for me, either, which led to the necessity of me interrupting my scholastic career for a couple years in the Army.)
Somewhere along the line — after we lost touch — what had been partying became a problem, one that kept her from holding a job, maintaining a relationship and, eventually, from simply staying alive. There were some hospitalizations related to drinking and others, like a bout with breast cancer, that had to add to whatever stress she was already feeling.
And so she drank. A lot.
I’ve had other friends face the same struggles. So far, they’ve all come out the other side in good shape, and it seems they’re doing what they need to do to stay that way. I couldn’t be more proud of those folks and what they’ve done to help themselves. I can’t say I know for sure how hard it’s been for them, but I’ve seen them go to the brink and then come back. And they’ve stayed there.
I’m not saying my cousin didn’t try. She knew the problems she had. When things were going well, she worked hard to keep herself out of situations she knew would be risky. But when things weren’t going well, there wasn’t much she could do to keep herself out of trouble.
She seemed to be in good shape when we saw her at the reunion. We laughed and chatted as we looked at old pictures stacked atop the kitchen table. When I asked how she was doing, she turned serious, saying she felt like she had one more chance and that she didn’t want to lose it. She seemed determined to make it this time.
I got her email address and sent her a couple of messages after the reunion. I didn’t hear anything back, at least not directly. We did get an email from her brother a few months later, saying she had relapsed, and that we should probably be prepared to get the news we finally got on Monday.
She was a good person. I don’t know her first daughter but I can say with certainty she loved her second daughter completely, and she was really good with her, as I saw at the reunion at my parents’ house. She was smart, and she had a great spirit, open to music and reading and fun. We had long discussions about Vonnegut and Hemingway through the mail, and we saw a couple Dead shows together back in the mid-80s.
That’s the part of her that’s still alive, and that’s who I’m going to remember. The things that made her drink, that made her body break down … those chains and weights are all gone. That’s a relief to me, and I hope it’s a relief to her brother and the others who did their best to watch out for her in the last couple decades.
She is finally free.
—
I posted a brief message about this Monday afternoon; and heard from literally dozens of you through the rest of the day. Thanks to each one of you — it means a lot.
Filed under: Elsewhere | Tags: family, road trip, the longest post ever, woo-hoo, yet another dreaded bullet update
We took a trip to visit my sister and her family in Florida a couple weeks ago. Yes, I’m writing about it just now. Shut up.
Bowman's Beach, Sanibel Island. Very nice.
* Mrs. Crappy’s main mission for the week was to spend as much time on beach as possible, and I think we did that. On the first day — which was steamy but cloudy — we stopped at a public beach near the state park, and she ran off like a little kid so she could wade in the gulf. We didn’t get back to the beach until Tuesday, but found the state park beach to be fabulous, even on a breezy day. The next day was our shell-hunting trip to Sanibel — complete with an order of delicious conch fritters, thanks to a Twitter tip from Abby’s dad — and my favorite beach of the trip, Bowmans. It takes a little hike across the wetlands to get there, but it’s great once you arrive — wide, soft white sand, not too crowded — even during spring break. It was also Mrs. Crappy’s favorite shelling beach, but for me, I stretched out in my cabana tent thing with a John Irving novel and got to simply, blissfully relax.
* Naples is an interesting place. It feels like no one lives there, but everyone shops there, mostly because you don’t see any houses anywhere. With a few exceptions, the town seems to be a series of shopping centers, divided by elaborate, palm-tree adorned entrances to gated communities. I mean, you know all those cars belong to someone, but they all disappear behind those gates. It’s a nice town, certainly, but that takes some getting used to.
* There is some good stuff in those shopping centers, though. On our first afternoon there, we walked into Total Wine and More, a liquor warehouse that sits right next to a Christian book store, and nearly wept at the sight. An entire aisle of beer — cases and twelvers of macros on one side, and shelf after shelf of sixes and single bottles of imports and craft beers, including a bunch we had never seen before. Mrs. Crappy and I each put together two sixes of bottles that were new to us, and bought some favorites as well. We liked it enough that we also turned on my father and my brother-in-law to the place; we also liked it enough that I became Foursquare mayor of the joint before the week was over.
All this for twelve bucks.
* While we drove around on the first full day, we cruised by a little strip-mall taqueria while we were in the midst of one of our perpetual What-Do-We-Want-For-Lunch discussions. We did a quick turnaround and walked in to a reassuring sight — the Latino customers outnumbered the Gringos by about three to one. It was good enough that we had lunch there twice; we both walked out stuffed both days, and neither check broke the $15 mark. Yum.
* I got to play golf with my dad, just the two of us (Mrs. Crappy was still struggling with a sore shoulder, so she didn’t play; she shopped and hung out by the pool instead). That might have been my favorite part of the trip. (It helps that I shot a 106 after a year without touching a golf club.)
Cheeeeeeese!
* My sister and brother in law are excellent hosts, and even better parents. They seem to do a good job of allowing the kids a little space while still enforcing the house rules. (This wasn’t necessarily easy, especially when the visiting uncle was bent on causing a little trouble, like tossing the boys in the pool or hosing them down with the Super Soaker I bought during our trip to Toys ‘r Us.) It helps (or maybe it doesn’t) that all three are scary smart; they’re all also ornery as hell, and certainly willing to oblige their uncle when he asks them to make their best faces for the camera. We are both so proud of all three.
* I hope I made up for the trouble I started by making each one of the kidlings a necklace out of some of the shells we found on the beach. They each got to pick the shell that served as the centerpiece of their necklace, and they each helped pick out some of the accents I used when we put them together. They all seemed pretty happy to have them, which made me pretty happy as well.
Filed under: Food and Drink,Home,Ohio,Pittsburgh | Tags: beeeeer, college football, domestic bliss, family, holiday fun, pixburke, woo-hoo, yet another dreaded bullet update
I haven’t spent a whole lot of time in front of the computer in the last few days, but that’s about to change. At this moment, the old eMac is spitting data at our new iMac, and once that’s ready to go, I think I won’t be able to help but sit in front of that beautiful new machine.
What you’ve missed:
- I made the traditional crab cakes on Christmas Eve, but thanks to a grocery story error, I had to do something a little differently. We both forgot to pick up mayonnaise while visiting the store that day, so I had to make my own. It tasted fine, but it didn’t work so well as a binder — so a few of my crabcakes more closely resembled little piles of fried crab. There are worse things that could happen, I suppose.
- I am a wrapping machine, especially when fueled by Mad Elf. And I’ve recovered quite nicely from a nasty case of Scotch Thumb.
- For those who weighed in on my Scotch Thumb whining on Twitter: Thank you. I guess.
- We had a lovely Christmas at the home of Mrs. Crappy’s aunt, thanks in no small part to Mrs. Crappy’s kick-ass chicken casserole and a perfect herb-roasted beef tenderloin prepared by our cousin.
- All you need to know about the Crappy marriage: I gave Mrs. Crappy a book about home improvement projects. She gave me flatware from Ikea.
- The highlight of our short trip to Columbus was probably the two Ohio State Snugggies we had ready for Mom and Dad. I kind of want one now.
- Another Columbus highlight: we brought home a mess of Pyramid’s Snow Cap, one of our favorite winter beers.
- We brought the iMac home on Tuesday, as part of a trade that will benefit my mother in law as well. After I get everything cleaned up, we’re shipping the eMac to her home in Texas. She’ll finally have a machine she’s comfortable with, and even though the eMac is old, it’ll suit her emailing/word-processing/light web-surfing needs for years.
- I had one good beer day on Monday, when I met a bunch of Tweeps at Bocktown while they were taping a spot for WPXI’s featured restaurant series. I’ll have another good one today, when I visit — and write about — the preview at Penn.
- Did I mention the Polar Bear Plunge? Two more days, people.
- Did I mention the Rose Bowl? Two-and-a-half more days, people.
Filed under: Food and Drink,Pittsburgh,Sports | Tags: beeeeer, college football, family, pixburke, yet another dreaded bullet update, yinzteam, yum
Ohio State players wear coats and ties. Just sayin'.
A note about the title: It has nothing to do with Christmas gifts. Before one wraps anything, one must actually begin to purchase said gifts. Yikes.
- The parents arrived late Friday afternoon, and after a pre-dinner drink, we headed to Las Velas for dinner. We were met there by Mr. Burns, who took a minute out from his happy hour activities and generously bought a round of margaritas for the four of us.
- We were also met, again, by David and Hugo, both of whom now recognize Mrs. Crappy and me. That’s a pretty cool way to walk into a restaurant.
- We had another excellent meal at Las Velas. You’re not surprised by that either, right?
- After just two weeks off from our own tailgating gig, getting up early Saturday morning was rough.
- Heinz Field parking tip: Although we had a FREE pass to the General Robinson parking garage — thanks to the generosity of Calipanthergrl — we gave my dad’s handicapped hang-tag a try when we got to the stadium. It worked. Very well. We parked in the Gold 2 lot, about 100 feet from the stadium, close enough to have a Wannstache sighting when the team got off the bus midway through the morning.
- We were underwhelmed with the locals during our previous Pitt tailgating experience, but I have to say we thought everyone did very well during Saturday morning’s sprint. Grills everywhere, good-looking food spreads and friendly lot-mates, although people seemed a little confused by the Ohio State gear.
- One BIG difference — although we couldn’t see them, there was a hair-metal cover band set up in a nearby tent, providing a soundtrack to the morning. If we had been in Columbus, I would have been extremely annoyed, but on Saturday, it seemed to work.
- Ushers in Heinz Field aren’t much brighter than those in PNC Park. Once we were in the gate, we were pointed to the wrong side of the stadium. We had to hike all the way around to our seats, a long walk for my dad, who has that handicapped parking pass for a reason.
- The game itself? The word “insane” comes to mind. A little sloppy. Horrible officiating (I’ll never gripe about Big Ten refs again). And entertaining as hell.
- After the folks packed up Sunday morning, we packed up a mountain of food — purchased by us and Burgh Baby, who wanted to chip in even though she couldn’t attend — and headed to OTB for Abby’s deal. A very good day — 500 pounds of stuff for the new Oakland foodbank, a fun afternoon with friends, stuff from the goodie truck and — finally — a taste of Yakima Twilight, Victory’s newish black IPA. Great stuff all the way around.
Filed under: Ohio,Sports | Tags: beeeeer, college football, drunk again, family, friends, nablopomo, team up north, woo-hoo
The day was perfect.
The tailgate party was perfect.
The band was perfect.
And while the game wasn’t quite perfect, it’s tough to top an overtime win that clinches a Rose Bowl appearance.
There will be plenty of football discussion this week — after all, it’s what we call around here the Best Week Of The Year — but for now, we’re going to let the pictures — still and moving — tell the story.
