Observations of Domestic Shorthaired Cat in natural habitat.
Author: Uncle Crappy.
Subject: 7-year-old male (Miles).
Habitat: Apartment.
Times: Approximately 8:30 a.m. Sunday, Feb. 18; approximately 6:10 a.m. Monday, Feb. 19.

Sunday, Feb. 18.
1) Author awoke to discover spool of neon green gift-wrap ribbon (pictured) wrapped around several items (boots, water dish, ski poles). 2) Ribbon was not present when residents went to bed.
Background: 1) Said ribbon is favorite toy of study subject. 2) Unsupervised access to said ribbon is typically denied by residents because of choking hazard; supervised play is occasionally permitted. 3) To knowledge of author, ribbon was not easily accessible to subject when residents went to bed the night before.
Preliminary conclusions: 1) Subject discovered ribbon on his own during the night, possibly opening a drawer to access said ribbon. 2) Ribbon subsequently sent subject into Cat Hysteria; frivolity ensued.

Monday, Feb. 19.
1) Aural observation of subject after resident’s alarm went off at 6 a.m.: Subject awoke and visited litter box in bathroom. Scratching in litter followed. Subject then sprinted from bathroom, crashing into stack of papers one resident had left on floor to be shredded. Said papers (pictured) were scattered widely. 2) Entire process (litter box, scratching, sprinting, scattering) repeated. 3) Entire process repeated a third time.
Background: 1) Subject occasionally sprints from bathroom after using litter box. 2) Said sprinting is generally taken by residents as an expression of positive physical sensation on part of subject following defecation and/or urination. 3) One of subject’s toys (a “Mousie”) may have been in close proximity to stack of papers.
Preliminary conclusions: 1) Subject experienced previously mentioned positive physical sensation upon use of litter box; stack of papers presented an enticing target of opportunity. 2) Presence of “Mousie” may have provided additional enticement. 3) a) Use of litter box, b) stack of papers, and c) presence of “Mousie” combined to send subject into Cat Hysteria; frivolity ensued.

Final conclusions.
1) Subject is smart (i.e., locating ribbon).
2) Subject is nuts.


  1. Conclusions:
    3.) Similar behavior observed and documented in groundhogs and groundhogs are people. We know that when A = B and B = C then A = C must be true. The only logical conclusion to be drawn is the subject is actually a person, impersonating a cat. Probably, a drunken, drug addled, delusional person but a person none the less. Of course, that last part is purely conjecture on the part of the author.


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