who knew?

I occasionally Google Uncle Crappy to see how close I am to reaching my goal of Complete and Total Domination of the Internets. While that end may be a ways off still, I consistently surprised by where both Uncle Crappy and my real actual name show up when I’m searching.

We’ve played this game with Uncle Crappy before you’ll recall I found a couple of dorks using the name on MySpace and one complete tool who had to resort to the Internets to find a date. But what do you find about me when my secret identity is typed into Google, besides the few hits that actually pertain to me?

That’s an excellent question.

The basics:

  • I own a Jeep Cherokee that perpetually runs hot.
  • I’m in the Navy, both as a seaman who thinks the draft should definitely not be reinstated, and as an officer who’s an expert in soil contaminated by military exercises.
  • I’m a fictional character in several build-your-own internet novels, including one that’s based on Star Wars. (I can’t even begin to explain how unhappy I am about this one … the character is a complete idiot, and everyone seems to really dislike him…).
  • I’m director and national project manager for Jetset-Norwood.
  • I do something important for a company called Jessepen. The something has to do with airplanes, so it’s safe to assume I’m a lot better with science and/or engineering than I ever dreamed.
  • I’m an endurance athlete, completing several marathons and triathalons (if The Wife reads this, she’ll immediately lapse into convulsive laughter).

I’m also international:

  • I’m an English guy who thinks he’s a Rolling Stone (dude – Mick? Are you kidding?)
  • I served as director of music at St. Mary’s Church in Hadlow, U.K., from 1981 through 2004 – the longest-tenured music director in the church’s history, I’ll have you know.
  • I won a seat on a borough council there in 2004. Maybe that’s why I quit the church job.
  • In 2003, I supported the establishment of The Bear, a pub in Dundarave, near Vancouver. I don’t drink, mind you, but I thought it was a nice place anyway.
  • I play rubgy in Reading, U.K.
  • I signed a petition about a year ago to save the whales off the coast of New Zealand.
  • When I’m not saving New Zealand’s whales, I work as the chairman of a private school there. I’m a busy guy in New Zealand.
  • I own a park in Worcestershire, U.K. — it has bathrooms and everything — that I wanted to develop last summer. The neighbors were not happy.
  • I’m an online fiction character here too – a guard at the Archangel Asylum. Before that, I was a depressed, alcoholic border guard on the Soviet-Chinese frontier.

And then there’s the really interesting stuff:

  • I was apparently a character in something called Pound Me in the Ass Prison (I’m at work at the moment, so I thought it was probably best that I didn’t open this page to see what it was about).
  • I run a website dedicated to helping people get out of debt and manage their money (Again – fits of giggles from The Wife).
  • I’m dead. Several times over.

If I had known, I wouldn’t have bothered to quit smoking last fall.

7 thoughts on “who knew?”

  1. Identity crisis and ridicle from the Wife – (not to mention the butt joint thing you got going) – don’t get no respect, as Rodney said (one I heard recently has me rollin’ inside – “Some people wake up and look in the mirror and attack the day – me, when I get up and look in the mirror, I say, “I’ll be drinking early””)

    Speaking of ridicle from ‘wives’ – so we’re taking off this weekend for a stay at the kiddie cult (DisneyWorld) – lots of fun will be had – I was kinda organizing my stuff and mentioned that maybe i needed to buy a couple pair of shorts, since most of mine are about 10 years old and are sized about 2″ shorter than I need – wife’s comment – . . . . I think you can probably fill it in – If us male readers said the same back to the females, well, as William once said, hell has no fury like . .

    Get no respect I say

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  2. Hi Uncle Crappy

    In the UK the Government is busy trying to build up a consolidated file on everybody which they claim is going to help them combat terrorism. Hence they are pressing for id cards and the such like.

    As an online author, with lots of characters online, I wondered if the Government has got files on all of them too. After all, the Government collects information from any source they can. Why shouldn’t they be trawling through the Internet looking for new people to keep tabs on?

    Perhaps there are even more records on Uncle Crappy than we are allowed to see …….

    Rob
    (Online author and admirer of creative characters)

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  3. We know so much about Uncle Crappy, but what about AUNT CRAPPY?

    Funny you should ask: She’s a 44-year-old photographer from California who has Bi-lateral Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.

    Cheers, Gambini

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  4. Gambini? Holy shit! You found this from the Ass Prison reference, right?

    Aunt Crappy likes to keep a low profile, but at some point — like, the next time a night shift at work was a slow as it was last night — I’ll dig into her alternative internet lives as well.

    You, my friend, have no need to live vicariously through internet doppelgangers. Still causing trouble in New England? Lemme know … If I don’t hear anything further, I’ll start spreading the rumor that you used to hang out with Deadheads while you were in college…

    Rob: I imagine our government has a decent-sized file on me, thanks to the rather colorful application I filed when I joined the United States Army after encountering some difficulties at school (many of which were the direct result of my association with Mr. Gambini). Aaaaaannd … as I noted here a couple years ago, I get occasional hits from an IP address based at the Justice Department. If that doesn’t get your attention in a hurry, nothing will…

    Kewyson: The Wife and I are actually about three weeks out from our own trip to Mouseworld, to celebrate my father’s 70th birthday and watch my sister’s kids OD on Disney-style love and happiness. I think my shorts are in decent shape, though … Hm. Maybe I should ask The Wife.

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  5. UC, have you lost your mind? OSU in the Final Four! Opening Day! Spring football practice! You don’t have time for this sort of thing. FOCUS!

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  7. I am still covering the most corrupt city in all New England for an ULTRA CONSERVATIVE daily.

    In my spare time, I play in a band with the guy from that band FEAR, remember Let’s Have A War.

    It was my annual (circa) Groundhog Day check in on the MDP.

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