As you can probably gather from the impressive on-court surrender cobra, not even everyone’s favorite #BasketballSchool could save the Big Ten this March — and from top to bottom, that’s pretty pathetic.
The news isn’t as bad for this year’s players in the Fourteenth Kind Of Annual Uncle Crappy NCAA Final Four Challenge (Brought To You By Piper’s Pub*) — in fact, this is one of the better performances in recent memory.
But. No. We’re not Blutarsky-free. We’ll get to that in a minute.
As you’re aware, now that we have a Final Four, we can begin awarding FKOAUCNFFC (BTYBPP*) points and taking a look at how we all stack up. There are, of course, more games to come and more points to be awarded, so these things — it’s not really accurate to call them “standings” — are my own weird mishmash of actual points and semi-wild conjecture. Do not fear — I’ll explain as we go.
Two and done — these players got one FF pick correct, but have no more points coming their way:
- Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
- Aunt Annoyed Angel
Two and some — two points, more possible, but pick for champion is out:
- Mrs. Crappy
Two and Oooo — two points, champ is still alive:
- Socialist Joe
- Red Buppy
Four but no more — two correct FF picks but no more points to come:
- Styx 4 Curl Girl
Four and a few more — four points with the possibility of more, but champ is eliminated:
- Uncle Crappy
Four and much more — two correct picks and champ still in play:
- Mister G
Four and even more — two FF picks, title game and champ still in play:
- North Coast Matt
- Sports Chump
You’d think those guys in the last two lists were in pretty good shape, right? Wrong. Because we have one last category.
Six and sitting pretty — that’s three correct FF picks, title game participants and champ in play:
- Miss C
So here are the possibilities. If you’re not listed in the last three categories, thank you very much for playing. If Gonzaga beats Baylor in the title game, it’ll come down to the tiebreakers from Miss C and Chachi — and there’s only a three-point difference in those. There is also this outlier — no one has Baylor winning the whole thing … except for Scooter. If that’s what happens, no one can catch him.
And if someone other than Gonzaga or Baylor wins the whole thing? Ugh. My math-averse brain doesn’t even want to deal with that at the moment.
Wait. Did I say there was only one more category left? That’s not quite correct.
As I stated earlier, I was pretty pleased with the performance of our FKOAUCNFFC (BTYBPP*) participants this time around. But, as always, there are few who manage to distinguish themselves in a different way, by amassing exactly zero points when the scoring begins.
Or, rather, zero point zero points.
Ladies and gentlemen, your Blutarsky Award winners for the Fourteenth Kind Of Annual Uncle Crappy NCAA Final Four Challenge (Brought To You By Piper’s Pub*):
- Cleveland Kelsey
- Pgh Rugby Ref
It’s a badge of honor, guys. Wear it proudly.