the law won.

In honor of the nice police officer who got all pissed off at me because I was asking a couple of perfectly reasonable questions: The Complete Criminal* Record of Uncle Crappy:

1) Speeding ticket, Fairfield County, Ohio, March 1986. Returning to Athens for the start of spring quarter.

2) Speeding ticket, Franklin County, Ohio, spring 1989. I was excited about the my new Chevy Cavalier and might have been going a little fast along Fishinger Boulevard.

3) Open container violation, Athens, Ohio, February 1990. My first trip back to Athens after completing basic training and getting my assignment at Fort Knox. The ticket cost $60; I also had to buff the floor of my first sergeant’s office for a week.

4) Speeding ticket, Washington County, Ohio, November 1994. Helping The (Future) Wife return home from school. I had a Browns sticker on the front windshield of the car, and the state trooper was a Bengals fan. The Bengals had finished crushing Cleveland about an hour before, and the guy couldn’t wait to ask me about the game.

By all rights, there should be a few more additions to this list. In December 1996, I got pulled over on Route 28 in West Deer Township by a county cop while The (Future) Wife and I were headed to do some Christmas shopping in town. After he found that I wasn’t a wanted felon, he told me to slow down and wished me a merry Christmas. That was a pretty nice gift.

On two different occasions, I was let off while speeding home to Columbus for a weekend away from Fort Knox. The first time, I was doing about 75 on I-71 somewhere in Kentucky; a trooper flew up behind me, demonstrated his displeasure with my speed and drove away even faster. I think his shift was over and he had a hot date. The second time was at night, again on I-71, but this time just north of Cincinnati. I didn’t see the trooper pull next to my car, but I certainly heard him when he announced over the PA that it would be a good idea for me to slow down.

And I did. For a while. At 55 miles per hour, that’s a long, dull drive.

*None of these are actually “criminal” offenses. I’ve come close in a couple of other instances; we’re not going into those here.

5 thoughts on “the law won.”

  1. You sound like a completely upstanding individual with problems only in Ohio! As Juan’s Dad instructed = “Don’t Feed the Bears!”

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  2. UC
    I’m right there with ya with the violations of the law, of which, there is one that still pisses me off!
    April 1991. Coming off a great week of vacation in Hilton Head Island. Car in front of me going 55mph. (I contend a bit slow for the conditions) Go to pass, see unmarked Mustang coming at me in the distance, hear the squeal of the radar detector, make the pass, see the “stang” whip it around, “tarred and feathered” so I pull over at the next road and wait for impending doom.

    Good afternoon, may I see your license and reg? Meanwhile, the radar detector is still screaming. Here is where it gets pissy.

    Q: Do you know how fast you were going Bo? (I guess he could be referring to someone like Beau Bridges but I have a feeling it was more in relation to the identification of a native son of SC)
    A: I have no clue. I saw you coming at me and decided to make the pass for safety purposes, of course.
    Q: How does 82 in a 55 sound?
    A: That is probably pretty close!

    He let me off with a $70 fine and 4 points. He could have taken me in or demanded the cash right there as occurs in the shady parts of the South. At least the guy could have shown me the respect of calling me by real name, Mr. Carolina Boy.

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  3. The parties in Athens must be fabulous. I also got nabbed rushing down there to kill a few brain cells in ’87 with Juan.

    Trooper takes me back to his car and starts writing a ticket while I’m sitting in the passenger seat. He’s almost done when he stops and starts lecturing me on the dangers of excessive speed.

    Here’s where it gets dicey. At the risk of a full body cavity search for me and our buddy Juan, I spout off. “Just finish the ticket so I can go.” The trooper is staring daggers at me and contemplating the aforementioned search when I inform him of my financial situation. “Officer, I’m going to have to call my dad and get the money to pay for this, and there is no way in hell that you are going to compare to him on the lecture circuit.”

    The trooper nodded his head a couple of times in a way that says, “yeah, you’re probably right about that.” Within a few minutes we were on our way.

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  4. Carolina Boy (uh, Mister Carolina Boy): He wasn’t mistaking you for Bo Schembechler?

    Large: I’m of the “Yes, sir/No, sir/Thank you, sir” school of thought when it comes to addressing cops who could potentially ruin your day. Even with that asshole Bengals fan, who was totally trying to bait me into giving him a hard time…

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