UPDATE: A number of people whose opinions about college football I respect have pointed out that I could be wrong about this, especially when considering short-term pain (yet another freaking SEC championship) versus long-term pain (Oh, god, Notre Dame fans shut up already). Perhaps I should reconsider.

Or perhaps I should just watch the end of the Purdue game over and over and over.

Part of being a grownup is having to make the best of a no-win situation.

Except that in this case, someone is going to win. And neither choice is going to make me especially happy.

Notre Dame plays Alabama for college football’s national championship tonight. And on what would normally be a practically holy day for me, I find myself instead thinking about skipping the whole thing and going to bed early.

Notre Dame and Alabama. Fighting Irish and Crimson Tide. Elves and Elephants. Bleh.

My default in this situation would normally be to cheer for the team that’s not in the Southeastern Conference; I know we can’t do anything about the Superiority Of The SEC myth until the SEC starts losing title games (although I’d still love to see what would happen if the SECers ever stopped padding their schedules with the southern branches of the Little Sisters of the Poor, but there’s little chance of that happening anytime soon), so tonight’s game should, in theory, be an easy one for me to figure out.

In theory? Sure.

In practice? Ah, crap, it’s Notre Dame.

The leaders of College Football Entitlement have finally worked their way back into relevance, and a win tonight would touch off months of unbearable cackling, even though the program hasn’t mattered since I was in high school. Also likely on tap: an extension of its NBC television contract, which will make things that much more complicated when the Domers finally realize the inevitable, that full membership in a conference is necessary for its survival.

So what do I do tonight?


Nick Saban — who very well could be the sleaziest man in football — and the SEC? Ugh.


Notre Dame and its insufferable fans? Gack.

I should probably just flip a coin. Or, better, maybe bag the whole thing and watch the 2012 Ohio State highlights DVD I just got for Christmas.

But I feel like I am duty-bound, as a Serious College Football Fan, to order up a mess of wings and watch the game. And for nearly arbitrary reasons — Midwest versus the Southeast, I guess — I’m going to swallow hard and be a Domer for a day.

There you go, Irish — I’m in your corner. For today, at least.


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